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In this space, I will be publishing my thoughts about life and hope that my words SERVE some.

One of my favorite gems:

What I Know For Sure

Oprah

A FEW YEARS AGO ON MY SHOW, A young woman in the audience who was engaged stood up and admitted how alone and disappointed she was feeling in the months leading up to her wedding. Her best friend, she said, hadn’t even been around to help her pick up her dress. As I listened to her bemoan the fact that most of her expectations surrounding her wedding hadn’t been met, I interrupted with a simple question: “Why are you getting married?” She stammered along for a few seconds, clutched her ring, and ultimately couldn’t give a clear answer.

I have talked to so many of my guests over the years who never stopped to really consider the work a lifelong partnership involves. Roughly 40 percent of today’s first marriages will end in divorce. Too many people believe marriage is about flowers, candy, and rose petals in the bathtub. Like the woman on my show that day they want the fairy-tale Camelot, the big day they’ve been dreaming of since they were girls–the princess dress and ring, the perfect cake, the handsome beau, the happily ever after.

And yet when you’re standing there taking your vows and wearing your beautiful white dress, few will tell you that you’re entering into one of the most challenging agreements of your life. It’s true that a great relationship can help you reach your highest potential. But it’s also true that getting there is about much more than romance–anyone who is married or in a serious partnership already knows this for sure. What we’re all striving for is authenticity, a spirit-to-spirit connection. That requires difficult emotional work. According to Harville Hendrix, PhD, one of the best marriage therapists in the country and author of Getting the Love You Want, most people are coupled with someone who brings up all their past issues. Dr. Hendrix explained it this way when he appeared on my show: “The purpose of marriage is to finish your childhood. And if you finish your childhood, you will live happily ever after.”

What I know for sure is that if you’re looking for your happily-ever-after in the arms and eyes of another person, you will always be disappointed. Even in the most mature spiritual partnership, a mate is only there to give you back to yourself. In the end, you’re the only person who can satisfy the deepest craving that every one of us shares–the need to feel significant. If you don’t already know you have significance, the process of discovering that is the very work you were put on this earth to do, whether you’ve been married for 15 years or single your entire life. As our columnist Martha Beck notes, nothing a partner can say do, or give you will completely assure you of your value if you aren’t sure of it yourself.

Married or single, if you’re looking for a sense of completion, I encourage you to look inward. For every one of those moments when you find yourself desperate to join up with someone who doesn’t respect or value who you are, remind yourself that man’s rejection is often God’s protection–and then say “thank you” and keep steppin’. And if all that you’re longing for is a wedding and you know you’re not ready for the work involved in a lifelong commitment, save yourself a lot of money and anguish and, instead, throw yourself a fabulous party. The irony of relationships is that you’re usually not ready for one until you can say from the deepest part of yourself “I will never again give up my power to another person.” Only then will you be a woman who’s ready for the strongest kind of connection.